Rich

NAME: Rich Hardbeck

AGE: 16

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single

RELIGIOUS VIEWS: Evangelical Christian…That’s the one where you hate God, right?

POLITICAL VIEWS: Liberal if stoned. Anarchist if pissed. Libertarian if honest.

MOTTO/QUOTATIONS: 'Life is like animal porn. It’s not for everyone' Doug Stanhope.

ABOUT ME: What about me?

Fine. I’m a male homosapien of average height and build. I have brown hair and brown eyes. I am heterosexual. I live in a city in the South-West of the democratic monarchy of the United Kingdom which has an estimated 1,006,600 residents. My favorite thing is music characterized by highly amplified distortion, extended guitar solos, emphatic beats, and overall loudness.

Will that do?

Fine. I like metal. Not Linkin Park. Not My Chemical Romance. Not whatever plastic riffing you like to pretend makes you alternative. I like ugly, angry music which you’d probably hate because you don’t understand it. There are a lot of stupid people around.

I’m always right. Even when I’m wrong.

I don’t like pop music, Simon Cowell, beautiful people, Radio 1, ITV, rapping, beatboxing, middle-class wankers, racism, sexism, Death Cab For Cutie, The Smiths, religion, Downton Abby, Tracy Chevalier, nu-metal, Empire magazine, Kerrang (wankers), drum machines (except when carefully used in Grindcore or Cybergrind – see Cutting Pink With Knives and Noism), synthesizers, Beth Ditto, public displays of affection, the city centre at the weekend, trance, techno, house, dubstep or any music made by skinny white people with computers, Kanye West, JLS, any show about cooking or cooks, townies, chavs, narcissistic politicians, teachers, the song ‘Wait and Bleed’, the second solo on ‘Master Of Puppets’, artichokes, JK Rowling, any film or tv show with vampires or zombies made after 1986, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee, Glee. But that’s okay, ‘cos none of those things like me either. It’s an understanding we’ve come to.

LIKES: Metal.

BOOKS: Atlas Shrugged, American Psycho, The Illuminatus Trilogy.

MUSIC: Slayer, Napalm Death, Black Sabbath, Raging Speedhorn, Noism, Atari Teenage Riot, Venetian Snares, Behold The Arctopus, Godflesh, Cathedral, Sleep, Sepultura, Pantera, Soul Fly, Slipknot (2nd album only, obviously), PPK, Pig Destroyer, Jesu, Sunn 0))), James Plotkin, Earth, Brain Donor, Chrome Hoof, Hair Police, Mayhem, Wolves In The Throne Room, Burzum, Wolf Eyes, Ec8or.

MOVIES: Dark City, Split Second, Blade Runner, Near Dark, Braindead, Halloween, The Thing, The Fly, Alien.

TV: Not if I can help it.

DREAM DATE: Nic Endo